PROS AND CONS OF THE TOP 20
REPUBLICAN PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATES.
BY JOHN MOE
1. RUDY GIULIANI
Pro: Unifying force after 9/11; articulate speaker.
Con: The whole "pro-choice, pro-gun-control, New Yorker, used to live with gay dudes, adultery" thing might hurt him with conservatives. A bit.
2. JOHN MCCAIN
Pro: Comforting resemblance to character actor Gavin MacLeod.
Con: Murray from The Mary Tyler Moore Show lacked leadership qualities and Captain Stubing from Love Boat got a little goofy whenever Charo was a guest star, leaving executive branch vulnerable to Charo impersonators who are actually Al Qaeda operatives.
3. MITT ROMNEY
Pro: Named after Mittens, the family cat, later shortening name to "Mitt." People love cats.
Con: Religious beliefs could create problems, as many Americans may not be ready to accept worshiper of ancient Egyptian god Ra.
4. ZOMBIE RONALD REAGAN
Pro: Probably the most Reaganesque candidate available; if stoked with the brains of the living, should operate in an acceptable fashion.
Con: Long-dead eyes lack that magic twinkle; inhuman groans negatively impact "Great Communicator" status.
5. FRED "TOMMY" THOMPSON
Pro: Diverse résumé includes stints as governor of Wisconsin, senator from Tennessee, cabinet secretary, and several TV acting gigs.
Con: Contractually bound to appear in all 319 Law & Order programs currently in production.
6. MIKE HUCKABEE
Pro: Lost 110 pounds due to health concerns, potentially allowing him to serve as healthy example for overweight Americans.
Con: Those 110 pounds have reconstituted into a diminutive all-fat Democratic consultant who knows Huckabee's every move. I Heart Huckabees was pretty uneven.
7. SAM BROWNBACK
Pro: Serves as a positive role model for ethnic brownbacks all over the country.
Con: Such an ethnicity does not technically exist; lacks the pen-gripping power of Kansas Senate predecessor Bob Dole.
8. NEWT GINGRICH
Pro: Well known.
Con: See above.
9. EDDIE VAN HALEN
Pro: I tell you what, he would bring the nations of the world together through ROCK! He'd be all deedly-deedly-deedly-DEE-DEE-DEE! on his guitar and the bosses of the other countries would be all, "Whoa! Let's stop fighting and start rocking!"
Con: Drunken wretched mess.
10. DUNCAN HUNTER
Pro: Appears to be some sort of politician who wants to be president, I guess. That's all anyone in the entire nation knows about him, including himself and his family.
Con: Born with two last names, though this liability could be mitigated by teaming with Texas Representative Ron Paul, who is also running.
11. ROBOTIC SUPER BEES
Pro: Programmed mandate to destroy enemies with unrelenting deadly force could be an advantage in contentious general-election fight and when facing down hostile nations or other bees.
Con: Murderous instinct less advantageous in delicate diplomatic negotiations and the parsing of complex tariff issues.
Pro: Available; independent; tall.
Con: Elusive; smelly; once elected he could disappear into the woods around Camp David and we'd never see him again.
13. YOUR MAMA
Pro: Strong personality; nurturer; kind; strict when she has to be; always shows up at soccer games or school plays; skilled at managing a busy family.
Con: Upon her election, nation would be instantly vulnerable to any number of verbal attacks about president being so fat, so ugly, so stupid, etc.
14. OHIO STATE CENTER GREG ODEN
Pro: Size; soft hands; positive attitude; high basketball IQ; given America's recent losses abroad, nation is automatically eligible for first pick in upcoming draft, so he will be available.
Con: Once his rookie contract is up, Oden would be free to sign with any other nation on the planet for bigger money.
15. KENNY LOGGINS
Pro: Is all right; therefore, no one needs to worry about him.
Con: Gonna take you right into the danger zone.
16. CHUCK HAGEL
Pro: Could potentially deliver his home state of Nebraska to the Republicans.
Con: Risks losing votes of near-sighted supporters of Kierkegaard, Schopenhauer, Heidegger, and Nietzsche who think the ballot says "Hegel."
17. A HUGE BARREL OF OIL
Pro: Coveted; influential; beloved by business community; understood by allies and enemies alike.
Con: Unlikely to support biodiesel-fuel development in the Midwest, potentially hurting chances in Iowa primary; slick.
18. A WOMAN OF SOME SORT
Pro: Could win support of other women.
Con: Women are not allowed to join the Republican Party.
Pro: Pretty funny show to watch when there's nothing else on.
Con: Frustrated voters may want to be able to pick and choose which part of the show to vote for, preferring the Shelley Long years over the Kirstie Alley years or stocking up on mostly Lilith episodes, but it doesn't work like that. You have to vote for the whole show.
Pro: Could deliver crucial votes in Ohio.
Con: President would spend way too much time agonizing over the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame; sleeping arrangements in new White House, which would span hundreds of square miles, could get contentious.