From The Archives; A Christmas Favorite

RUDOLPH'S NIGHT OFF

'Twas the night before Christmas
and Rudolph was lame!
The vet from the North Pole said,
"Footrot's to blame.

I'll give him some sulfa,
it's the best I can do
But stall rest is needed
the next week or two."

"Great Scott!" cried old Santy,
he turned with a jerk,
"I won't git through
Pierre if my headlights don't work!

On Interstate 40
I'll surely get fined
And lost in Montana if
I'm flying blind!"

"No cop in his right mind
would give any clout
To a geezer who claimed
that his reindeer went out!

"He gathered the others,
ol' Donner and Blitzen,.
Were any among 'em
whose nose was transmitzen?

They grunted and strained
and sure made a mess
But no noses glowed brightly
or ears luminesced.

"It's bad luck in bunches,"
cried Santy, distressed,
"We'll fly Continental,
the Red Eye Express!"

"I'll just check the schedule,"
he put on his glasses
When up stepped 'ol Billy,
the goat from Lampasasas.

He shivered and shook
like a mouse on the Ark
But his horns were a beacon...
They glowed in the dark!

Santy went crazy! He asked,
"Why?" with a smile"
I just ate a watch
with a radium dial!

Where I come from in
Texas we don't have thick hide
My skin is so thin
it shines through from inside."

"If that's true then let's feed him!"
cried Santy with glee"
Gather everything burnin'
and bring it to me!

"So Billy ate flashbulbs
and solar collectors,
Electrical eels and
road sign reflectors,

Firecracker sparklers,
a Lady Schick shaver
And Lifesavers,
all of em' wintergreen flavor,

Jelly from phophorescellous fish,
Day Glow pizza in a glittering dish,
Fireflies and candles
and stuff that ignites,

Then had him a big bowl
of Northering Lights!
He danced on the rug
and petted the cat

And after he'd finished and done all of that
To store up the static 'lectricity better
They forced him to eat
two balloons and a sweater!

When he opened his mouth,
light fell on the floor,
Like the fridge light comes on
when you open the door!

His Halloween smile
couldn't be better drawn
When he burped accidently,
his high beams kicked on!

"Hitch him up!" cried ol' Santy,
and they went on their way.
I remember that Christmas
to this very day

The sky was ablaze
with the stars shining bright.
They were shooting and falling
all through the night.

And I realize now,
though my fingers are crossed,
What I really was seein'...
was ol' Billy's exhaust!
--Baxter Black--