Some Of The World's Best Punchlines

I’m still equally confused, but on a much higher level.

…in an odd number of places.

We know how much,but not what of.

Four.

Calling a tail a leg doesn’t make it one.


I’m a sex maniac? Who’s got all the dirty pictures?

The court will return $5000 to counsel for the plaintiff, and we’ll try this thing on its merits.

Yes, but I'll be sober in the morning.

If you were my wife, I'd drink it.

I was misinformed.

What you mean we, paleface?

We already know that. Now we're haggling about price.

Relax, Father.

The smartest man in the entire world just jumped out of the plane with my knapsack.

Madam, you flatter yourself. It is hanging out.

Seven ayes, one no. The noes have it.

If it weren't for the honor of the thing, I'd just as soon walk.

That isn't such a shaggy dog.

You mean life isn't a fountain?

Three years for insulting the Party Secretary, and twenty for revealing a state secret.

What God wants, He takes.

You're going to do it over, and over, and over again until you get it right.

They make it up on volume.

That's where the money is.

Yeah, but I'm not lost.

But I never asked anyone how.

Not if you keep your thumbs out of the way.

Assume a can opener.

Compared to what?

... thus reducing it to a previously solved problem.

Sure there is, buddy. But that's the first time anybody asked me for it in the pluperfect subjunctive.

Give him a nickel and tell him to vote Republican.

... the pleasure is fleeting, the position ridiculous, and the expense damnable.

... and tell you to put the black ten on the red jack.

Seven to four? Comrades!Seven to four is mathematics, not politics.

How do you pick up peanuts with that little thing?

So how do you cause a flood?

They're not eating sardines, they're selling sardines.

Sell? To whom?

Start with a large fortune and follow your broker's advice.

What's posterity ever done for me?

No, it don't conflict with my interest.

I’m shocked – shocked! – to find out that gambling has been going on in this establishment.


It might lead to dancing.

It mattered to that one.